dougnoll’s posthaven

Segment 1: Traversing Protractive Conflicts.  On this edition of The Doug Noll show we are speaking with Dr. Alma Abdul-Hadi Jadallah, President and Managing Director of Kommon Denominator (http://kommondenominator.com/), an award-winning woman owned firm dedicated to helping government, corporate, and community clients successfully navigate conflict and cultural. Dr. Abdul-Hadi Jadallah became interested in conflict resolution when she went back to school after raising a family. Additionally, moving to the U.S. and interacting in a multi-cultural society drew her attention to many issues: how people come together, how they interact, what kind of issues they are facing.

Protractive conflicts are characterized as conflicts that are stubborn and continue to happen. Their roots are usually in communities and between different ethnic groups. Yemen is an example of a protractive conflict. It is an internal conflict, primarily ethnic-driven, about the distribution of wealth, equality, the North vs the South, and corruption. There is a lot of violence.

Segment 2: A National Dialogue.  Dr. Abdul-Hadi Jadallah was invited with other experts to go to Yemen and help begin the process of peacemaking with the goal of designing and implementing a national dialogue. They brought in an international committee and started by thinking about what was needed to build a nation on equal rights and equitable resources. What kind of model should they follow? They put together nine working groups that looked at every facet of building a nation state. They mapped the groups and invited delegates to participate. Dr. Abdul-Hadi Jadallah found that this experience proved that dialog can always facilitate difficult conversation, particularly if there are good intentions and good will.

Segment 3: A Different Paradigm.  Dr. Abdul-Hadi Jadallah teaches courses on culture conflict and diversity to Masters and PhD students. She educates the students by giving them tools to analyze conflict, identify conflict, categorize conflict, design a process, and conduct an assessment. Her students see the value of understanding conflict analysis in their day-to-day lives and in the corporate world.

It takes time and effort to resolve a problem, which is a different paradigm. It takes a lot of introspection. Even the most innocent parties of the conflict play a role. Maybe they contributed to the escalation, or were too passive, or didn’t speak up. Additionally, it’s hard for the perpetrator to actually admit they had a role in hurting the other person.

Segment 4: Create a Safe Environment.  Even though peacemaking is well-intended, it can be taxing at times, both for the mediator and the parties involved. You see parts of you in them, and they see parts of them in you, which is difficult. It’s also hard to evaluate the results, although Dr. Abdul-Hadi Jadallah stresses what an opportunity it is to be able to sit across the table from the other side and start a dialogue. At the end of the day, the conflict is not the peacemaker’s conflict. The peacemaker merely creates a safe environment and a process to begin the conversation. To find out more about Dr. Alma Abdul-Hadi Jadallah and Kommon Deminator, visit http://kommondenominator.com/.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: It’s Not All About the Fight.  Mediation is a process by which a neutral party helps people in conflict resolve their issues and move forward in peace. To speak about mediation and how it is used within the legal system we are interviewing Jan Frankel Schau, of Schau Mediation on this edition of The Doug Noll Show. Jan has over 20 years of experience as a litigator, and is also a public speaker, an author, and a mediator (http://schaumediation.com/).

Jan was always drawn to the drama and the narrative of law. Her involvement in mediation happened by accident, when she took a class for continuing education units. She soon discovered that mediation is different in the sense that it has two sides of the story, and the other side might have merit if you dig deep enough. She found with mediation that she didn’t have to be so narrow-minded or laser-focused on whomever had hired her as a lawyer. With mediation, it’s not all about the fight and the win; it’s about solving problems and moving forward.

Segment 2: A Heart Shift.  As Jan dove deeper into mediation she had what she calls a “heart shift” from fight and defend to “let’s work it out.” At that point she knew she was no longer an effective advocate, except for peace and conflict resolution. She didn’t have the fight in her belly anymore.

Lawyers who haven’t been property trained in mediation tend to cram human conflict into a narrow box of legal rights and remedies and processes and procedures, which strips away what makes people human. Mediators have an acceptance of the fact that there can be two truths. Instead of a YES BUT, it could be a YES AND. And out of those two stories emerge a new story of hope and peace.

Segment 3: Middle of the Road.  Jan’s newest book is titled View from the Middle of the Road: A Mediator’s Perspective on Life, Conflict and Human Interaction. It started as a personal self-reflection activity, and turned into a book of real stories with fictionalized characters, plus proven tools and rules for mediators and lawyers. To find out more about Jan’s book, visit http://viewfromthemiddleoftheroad.com/.

Segment 4: Plenty of Room for Peacemakers.  Unfortunately, Jan thinks mediation is a concept that hasn’t quite permeated society yet, although she is seeing more and more innovative programs developed by people with skills in negotiation and conflict resolution. The services are extremely valuable but it’s difficult to get the word out that they are available. She reminds us that it’s important to pull yourself back as a mediator and really listen to your clients. The mediator essentially has two missions: to come to an agreement, and to acknowledge the human side of the conflict. Jan believes there is plenty of room for peacemakers within the context of law. Practicing law is not the only way to help people with their law issues. Visit http://schaumediation.com/ for more information about Jan and her services.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: It’s a Global Problem.  Human trafficking is essentially modern day slaving. The FBI says it’s the fastest growing organized crime of our time, as there are over 800,000 victims of sex trafficking in the United States alone. To speak with us about human and sex trafficking on this edition of The Doug Noll Show we have Elizabeth Olagunju. Elizabeth became interested in human trafficking from hearing stories from her mother, who at the age of 10 was forced out of the house to live with a stranger for many years. She was taken by force, labored 24 hours a day as a child, and never had a chance to go to school and get an education. Throughout Elizabeth’s life, her mother would tell her stories about what she went through: living in a strange place, looking for food in the trash. Elizabeth grew up and began to research forced labor, and discovered more and more similar stories. She found that human trafficking is a global problem, an America happens to be the destination for many of these people who are torn away from their home with promises of money, education and a better life.

Segment 2: The False Promise of Hope.  So how can we know if there are people who are victims of human trafficking around us? Elizabeth says that law enforcement encourages us to be alert. When you see a girl or a woman going with another person and not being able to look up, ask yourself, What are the dynamics of that relationship? Is that person living in fear? Victims always feel attacked to their captors. The captors are very threatening. Interesting fact: it has been documented that during the Super Bowl is when the most human trafficking happens. It thrives on big events in large cities. Trafficking is more prominent in urban areas than rural communities, because of the anonymity factor. Perpetrators take advantage of the situation. We must be alert --- pay attention to how a suspected victim acts.

Families can be induced to allow their children to go with a stranger simply because of deep poverty. They are given the false promise of hope. Hope for a job, an education and a better life. There is desperation, and so they go along with the promises.

Segment 3: Love It Is.  Elizabeth has written a book titled Love It Is. It is the story about “how one person’s willingness to connect can widen the circle of love for others to overcome difference, ignorance and ultimately give hope to the world desperately looking for love.” You can find Elizabeth’s book on Amazon.com.

Segment 4: www.humantrafficking.org.  To learn about human trafficking and become more involved, Elizabeth suggests visiting www.humantrafficking.org. This is an excellent website that gives comprehensive information about what the U.S. and the U.N. are doing about this global problem. It outlines the new laws and acts regarding human trafficking. We need to be alert wherever we are, and show a level of understanding to the victims. The good news is that the US government is doing a lot to make sure that girls and women are being helped instead of being punished.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: Co-Creative Intimate Relationships.  Less that 25% of couples report being at peace with each other and in their relationships. To speak about how to improve and deepen intimate relationships we are talking with Aleya Dao (www.aleyadao.com) on this edition of The Doug Noll Show. Aleya is a sound healer, energetic practitioner, and a licensed acupuncturist. She has been an alternative healer for over 20 years and has worked with many couples, helping them to foster healthy and co-creative intimate relationships.

Aleya says about 99% of her clients come to her wanting to work on some aspect of their relationship. They crave deeper levels of intimacy, connection, better communication. She thinks the greatest challenge is that we usually have an assumption that our partner is going to see and recognize our essence and love us unconditionally. Instead, after the honeymoon phase is over we often start projecting our own needs onto our partner.

Segment 2: Practice What You Intend to Master.  If we don’t feel safe, we’re not going to be honest or open or vulnerable with our partner. However, sometimes when we are being honest and open and vulnerable, the partner feels attacked, or gets defensive or shuts down, which unfortunately confirms that it’s not safe to open up, be honest or vulnerable. Additionally, we often ask the other person to help us feel safe, instead of finding a safe space inside ourselves and reflecting that back into our reality.

We do the opposite of that which we intend on mastering until we reach a certain level of consciousness and awareness and begin to practice that which we intend on mastering. We might ask ourselves, do we want to stay in the negative spin, or do we want to shift it?

1)      Think about your needs

2)      Meet that need inside yourself

3)      Watch your tone

When people start practicing this, the resentment goes way down, the safety goes way up, and the communication starts increasing because it’s okay to talk about what the needs are.

Segment 3: The Buddha Bubble.  When you are in a Buddha Bubble, realize that your partner is working on learning a spiritual lesson. Look higher at their essence and know that they might have forgotten themselves. Reflect back to when you fell in love with them. Hold vigil for your partner and allow them to go through whatever they need to go through. They are doing the opposite of what they are intending on mastering. Breathe into your belly. Imagine what it really means to be a Buddha. Hold yourself in a place of deep stillness and be a good listener.

Segment 4: Be Self-Aware, Be Present.  When talking with a partner, if you cannot reflect back from your heart with compassion and caring, the other person can detect if you’re being insincere. You can’t build trust until you come from your heart. The tone is also really reflective. Be self-aware and really present. Start small. Put a timer on the table and for 2 minutes offer to listen to your partner about his or her day, and then reflect back what they’ve said. Our challenge is to maintain a non-reactive presence. To the extent that we can place ourselves in a bubble and be non-reactive and non-critical, and come from a place of compassion, we gain great power within ourselves. We feel empowered and self-confident, which is a wonderful start to a healthy, co-creative relationship. To find out more about Aleya Dao, visit www.aleyadao.com.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: 10,000 Slaves. Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Tom DeWolf, Community Coordinator for Coming to the Table (www.comingtothetable.org). Tom grew up in Southern California and dealt with issues of race during tense periods in our history such as during the Watts Riots, but never in a proactive “change the world” sort of way. However, while he was studying his genealogy, he found that three generations of his relatives were responsible for transporting more than 10,000 African people from West Africa to North and South America. This discovery truly shifted his life.

Segment 2: A Model of Healing. When we think about slavery, we think about the South and the Civil War. We don’t think about Northern involvement --- they are usually painted as noble abolitionists. However, 95% of all slave trading was done on Northern ships with Northern financing and Northern crews. Tom learned things he never learned is school and was left with the question, “What next? How do I make sense of this?” In 2006 he was invited to participate in a gathering in Harrisonburg, Virginia, called Coming to the Table. Descendants of both enslavers and slaves came together to acknowledge and confront our nation’s history and its connection with the legacy of slavery. They also looked for ways to heal the traumatic wounds. They talked about what trauma is, how it plays out in us physically, spiritually, psychologically, how to be resilient, and what can we do together to deal with the history and try to create a model of healing to share with others going forward.

Segment 3: Coming to the Table. Tom has written two book. His 2^nd book, Gather at the Table, grew from his involvement with Coming to the Table (www.comingtothetable.org). Tom met Sharon Leslie Morgan (his coauthor) at a seminar and they ended up asked themselves, “What can two people do to heal the trauma of slavery?” They met each other’s families. They traveled together. They visited where they grew up and shared personal stories of racism they encountered during childhood. They visited historical sites, plantations, grave sites. They found they had a story to share to highlight how “Coming to the Table” can work in individual lives. Tom and Sharon committed to not only coming to the table and gathering at the table, but also staying at the table when things got tough.

Segment 4: A Deep Awkwardness. There’s always a social dance that has to happen in order to find common ground between two groups or two individuals. Racism is particularly difficult. There is a deep awkwardness. On one side there is abuse, oppression, and trauma, and on the other side there is shame and guilt and a feeling of hopelessness. The challenge is getting people to come to the table and believe that this process is about liberation --- for whites as well as people of color. There is so much to be gained by having a conversation, acknowledging our shared history, and working to change a system that remains unjust. To learn more, visit www.comingtothetable.org.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: Friedman Mediation. Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Bruce Friedman. Bruce is a former partner at Bingham McCutchen, LLP, has more than 37 years of complex litigation experience in the insurance, financial services and products, and class action areas. He is also the founder of Friedman Mediation (http://friedmanmediation.com/). Bruce has been a practicing trial lawyer for many years, but found that his greatest satisfaction was in evaluating cases and trying to resolve them as quickly as possible for his clients. Mediation allows him to exhibit his natural ability to analyze legal issues as well as resolve matters in a timely manner.

Segment 2: Legal Negotiation. Doug and Bruce are both amazed by how little trial lawyers – even sophisticated and very experienced lawyers – actually know about legal negotiation. Generally speaking, they usually don’t understand the process and do not come to the session with a written concession agreement. Bruce has found the initial offer is often a shock, and it takes a long time for the parties to “get real” about what needs to happen in a mediation session.

Segment 3: Constructive Conversation and Creative Thinking. If a young lawyer came to Bruce and said he or she wanted to learn about working with a mediator, Bruce would first tell them to take classes to learn about the process. He would also stress that they should know their case, be prepared to discuss the case in a reasonable manner with the mediator, and be creative to find solutions to the case.  

Bruce reminds us that clients can win in mediation. They can win in the sense that they can sometimes get a better settlement in mediation then they would in a trial. Additionally, it’s an opportunity for the lawyers to engage in a much more constructive conversation than they generally get to do in the context of litigation, and to offer some very creative and out-of-the box thinking that is not allowed in court.

Segment 4: Take Advantage of the Mediation. Bruce is seeing a trend these days to cut expenses by settling cases and not incurring additional expenses by furthering the case and taking it to trial. There is an effort to cut legal budgets within corporations as well. He is also finding people are willing to mediate earlier rather than later. He doesn’t think experienced lawyers appreciate how important it is to try to get closure at mediation. They need to really take advantage of the mediation process. Having all parties present and available to speak with each other is not likely to happen in court, or ever again.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: Syria’s Recent History. Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Dr. James Paul. Dr. Paul is an independent scholar and consultant who served until recently as Executive Director of Global Policy Forum, an organization that monitors policy making at the United Nations. Paul is an expert on the UN Security Council and he wrote a book about Syria titled “Syria Unmasked.” He has been very active as a media commentator during the present crisis with Syria.

Dr. Paul points out that Syria is a very diverse country. It has a population of 23 million people, and is a modern country. Its people are well educated. It is a relatively secular country and not a land of religious extremists. After years of underground work that tried to move Syria toward a more democratic society, in the spring of 2011 there were protests. Many cities were involved and there was a crack-down by the government. There was a commitment to non-violence, but unfortunately some chose to take up arms. Almost immediately foreign arms and foreign fighters started to come into the country, which is now known as the rebel movement. This movement is particularly severe in the North. Over 100,000 people have now been killed and much of the infrastructure has been destroyed.

Segment 2: National Coordination Body and Jihadis. So how did Bashar Assad, the President of Syria, became head of the regime? Dr. Paul said it was a family matter. The military and political people surrounding the Assad family are very powerful and are calling the shots.

There are two currents within Syria and the biggest, the National Coordination Body, is non-violent. The National Coordination Body started the protests in 2011, and many of the leaders have been exiled for years. On the military side the dominant force is the Jihadis. They are the sphere carriers for the entire military campaign, and many of them are foreigners.

Segment 3: Russia’s Involvement. Dr. Paul says the main hope among the non-violent Syrians is that there will be a Peace Conference. Historically the US administration has not been interested in connecting with the non-violent Syrians. They are interested in the armed rebellion because it would essentially lead them to be able (more or less) to install their friends in a new government. They believe they are headed toward a military victory, although Dr. Paul thinks it’s difficult to see how a military victory could be had.

As far as Russia is concerned, we are on dangerous ground. The last great use of chemical weapons was in the Iran-Iraq war and the United States itself provided the chemical weapons precursors to Suddam Hussein. The U.S. is up to its ears in responsibility.

Segment 4: Preserve the State. So what is likelihood that the non-violent opposition will be able to form a different kind of civil society in Syria? It depends on the way the current government is pushed out. It could be very chaotic. It would be best if there was an international agreement as to the various stages of a slow transition. We need to think about how to make the transition in such a way that preserves the institutions. There is no reason for a failed state in Syria. They need to preserve the state; this has to be a priority.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: Collaboration, Defined. When people use the term “collaboration,” often they are not really talking about collaboration in terms of working together to create something new. Instead, they are talking about getting someone else to buy into their idea and what they want you to do. True collaboration is a process, a mind-set, a way of solving problems and a way of being. To discuss effective collaboration, we’re speaking with Delia Horwitz on this edition of The Doug Noll Show. Delia is a consultant, keynote speaker, facilitator and co-author of Collaboration Soup, a Six-Step Recipe for Co-Creative Meetings and Other Conversations. Delia’s years of experience with facilitating team-building workshops in corporate environments all began as a fascination with the question, “What does it take for people to get along?”

Segment 2: Movement toward Collaboration. Delia feels that there is currently an evolutionary movement toward collaboration. As an example, there is now grant money being given to teams of scientists from multiple disciplines (who were former competitors) to come together with their different views and work toward a common goal or solving a particular problem. Additionally, Delia is seeing collaboration on a personal level: i.e. Craigslist, eBay, etc. Billions of dollars are being shared through free sites. It’s all about matching needs and resources, and the internet has made it possible to exchange what we need and what we have.

As a consultant, Delia and teaches groups how to keep the fight or flight response calm. How do we stop those triggers? How do we take advantage of the collective wisdom that arises when people are looking at the whole picture instead of just protecting their part?

Segment 3: An Internal Motivation. Delia’s six-step RECIPE for collaboration:

Be READY to go

ENGAGE your stakeholders

Have a CONVERSATION

Allow time for INTEGRATION

Have an action PLAN

END with clarity

Doug and Delia both find that this work is simple but requires discipline. People are hungry for it. They know there’s a better way, and once they experience a true co-creative conversation or group action plan they are changed forever. They have a new reference point. When they co-create a plan that everyone feels is theirs, you end up with ownership, enthusiasm and accountability. There is an internal motivation.

Segment 4: Wisdom from Totality. Delia and her co-author outline a new way of decision making in their book, Collaboration Soup. She tells us that when a group comes together, there is a wisdom that comes out of the totality of the pieces. Everybody puts in their piece, and together they create something that could not be created out of the individual pieces, just like Stone Soup. For more information, visit www.collaborationsoup.com.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

The capacity to maintain a “non-anxious” presence within a conflict may be one of your most significant capabilities. Not only can this capacity enable you to be more clear- headed about solutions and more adroit in difficult situations but, a non-anxious presence will modify anxiety throughout the entire group. This aspect of leadership can sometimes do more to resolve issues than the ability to come up with good solutions.

Do not confuse a “non-anxious presence” with the idea of staying cool under pressure. A non-anxious presence is a true state of inner calm. You are connected to your people, but detached from their swirling emotions. Peacemakers are like transformers in an electrical circuit. To the extent that they are anxious themselves, when anxiety in the peacemaking session permeates their being, it potentially comes back into the session at a higher voltage. Consequently, to the extent that they can recognize and contain their own anxiety, they function as a step-down transformer or perhaps as a circuit breaker. In this case, their presence, far from escalating conflict, actually serves to diminish its destructive effect. 

Two aspects of non-anxious presence are worth highlighting. The first is playfulness.  Anxiety’s major tone is seriousness, often an affliction in itself. It is always content- oriented. Its major antidote is playfulness, especially with those for whom you feel responsible. Your capacity to be paradoxical, challenging, earthy, sometimes crazy, and even “devilish,” often can do more to loosen knots in a peacemaking session than the most well-meaning “serious” efforts. This is not because being paradoxical affects the content in the heads of others (reverse psychology), but because the act of being playful frees others by forcing them out of their serious “games.” I have gotten up from a table in the midst of a very heated dialogue between counsel and stepped into a nearby wastebasket. I stood there until they looked up, incredulously. A fifty-year-old man dressed in a dark business suit, standing in an office wastebasket was too much for them.  I grinned at them, they laughed, and the dialogue loosened up. We take ourselves way too seriously in our conflicts and in our efforts to resolve them. This is not to say that peacemaking is not serious, difficult work. It is. But we cannot get too carried away with it. When you have to assume the mantle of peacemaker, keep the load light when you can.

The opposite of playful functioning, which is most likely to heighten the seriousness in a system, is diagnostic thinking. Diagnostic thinking tends to increase polarization, intensifies anxiety, and is the natural manifestation of anxiety. When you become over-analytical, you become anxious about you own analysis. Am I right or not? Will I solve this conflict or not? The parties will pre-consciously sense your seriousness and will misinterpret it as worry or concern.  Their anxiety will skyrocket, with the usual, predictably negative conflict behavior. 

The other aspect of “non-anxious” presence is hope. If the conflict is escalated enough for a peacemaker to intervene, the parties have probably lost any hope that it can be resolved, not to mention transformed. Maintaining a “non-anxious” presence exudes confidence in the parties that they can, together, work themselves out of the conflict. Most importantly, it gives the parties hope. With hope, they will try harder, be more engaged in the peacemaking process, be less competitive and adversarial, and ultimately find the solutions they need. They can be skeptical about outcomes and wary about the peacemaking process. As long as you provide them hope by maintaining your “non-anxious” presence, they will come through. 

Douglas E. Noll, Lawyer to Peacemaker

Creator of Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro

California Lawyer Magazine, California Attorney of the Year 2012

Segment 1: You’re Going to Start a Movement. Part of the peacemaking process is teaching people who are in the darkest of circumstances that they actually do have power and choices. To illustrate this we are speaking with Shellie Hunt, Founder of The Women of Global Change, on this edition of The Doug Noll Show. Shellie grew up in poverty, but even as a young age had mentors who taught her about the human potential and the cause and effect of her actions. She learned that our core programs affect our feelings, our feelings affect our behavior, and our behavior directly affects our results. As Shellie stepped into adulthood she decided she did not want to fight other women for success (camaraderie vs. competition). So as women, how do we support each other? How do we pave a path for our children? One of her favorite sayings is, “If you have one woman on a mission, you’re going to have a change. If you have a group of women on a mission, you’re going to start a movement.”

Segment 2: Look for Qualities You Want to Learn. Women are natural multi-taskers, which is one of the qualities of a leader. Shellie emphasizes being a leader of self, being a leader at home, being a leader in the community, and then taking the leadership out into the world. Believe that you’re capable. Trust your intuition. Find a mentor. It could be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a business leader. Look for the qualities that you want to learn.

Segment 3: How Do We Work Together as Women? Shellie travels internationally and sees women being empowered everywhere, especially women 35 and under. Still, in many countries women are essentially owned; they are not even citizens. As long as women are disenfranchised there will never be peace in the world. Additionally, if we don’t invest in helping women become good parents, we will have continued violence.

The Women of Global Change came about because Shellie was doing projects in the United States but started to travel more internationally. Throughout her travels she realized that we cannot be fully raised in humanity until women are free. The Women of Global Change ask, How do we make positive progress and change for ourselves, our communities, and the world? How do we learn to do business together in today’s global society?

Segment 4: Emotional Intelligence. Regarding today’s social media, Shellie thinks we are losing touch with ourselves and losing the ability to connect with others. A text message contains no emotional data. EQ (Emotional Intelligence) should be taught at home and at school. If we’re not emotionally intelligent about ourselves and the people we come into conflict with, we will have a never ending cycle of escalation that leads to nothing but misery. Emotional Intelligence is not innate; it needs to be taught. Shellie’s coaching business is about inspiring the next generation and teaching them EQ. For more information about Shellie, visit www.thewomenofglobalchange.com.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4