dougnoll’s posthaven

Arianna began her career in fundraising but quickly found that the work that she most enjoyed was more of the communications-based one-on-one work with donors. After going back to school she eventually partnered with another mediator and started a Family Law mediation business. At the time she was going through a complicated divorce herself and found the work tremendously therapeutic and healing. Her current practice consists of both coaching and mediation, but her cases are predominately mediation. Divorce is an emotional-based issue. Arianna helps her clients navigate a slippery legal slope, but she realizes the social management portion of the divorce is just as, if not more so, important than the legal aspect.

Segment 2: They Just Want to be Heard. ianna tries to humanize the situation and personalize what her clients are going through. She tells stories of similar situations, as well as her own mistakes and how she’s acknowledged them and moved forward. She also uses humor. Divorce is so difficult on an all-consuming level. She wants them to feel safe and supported when they’re in her office. It’s important to build trust right away.

Often clients are feeling a deep injustice. Their brain is telling them that they want vengeance, but in reality, they are wanting something else. They want to be heard. They want connection. They want control of their own lives. Arianna reminds people that when they go to court they end up disempowering themselves and putting their needs, wants, desires into the hands of a judge. In mediation, however, they have total control.

Segment 3: Empathic Listening. You cannot deal with emotions with logic alone. When in the middle of a conflict, don’t listen to the words; listen to the emotions. There are four levels of being an empathic listener:

1) Repeat the words

2) Paraphrase

3) Give core message

4) Label the emotion

Segment 4: The Cost of a Divorce.  It costs roughly $100,000 to get a divorce in LA County. It’s a huge waste of money. Collaborative Divorce costs about 60% of a regular divorce, and mediation is considered to cost 10% of the cost of a regular divorce. Mediation is the way to go. Additionally, Loyola and other law schools have programs where people can go to and get free advice. As a client, you need to go in knowing what needs to get done and have your homework ready (including financial data, etc.). She encourages clients to constantly do a cost-benefit analysis of their actions. Ask yourself, “How much is this day in court going to cost me? How much would mediation cost me?” To find out more about Arianna’s services, please visit www.ajmediation.com.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Due to his training in social work, Bill had insights as to why people behave the way they do. As a lawyer he noticed that the high-conflict court cases were driven by the dynamics of personality disorders. The characteristics of these types of disorders include: all or nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behavior, and a preoccupation of blaming others.

Segment 2: The High Conflict Personality.  Traits and disorders are a distinction that mental health professionals use that are not significant to the average person, which is why Bill began using the term “high conflict personality.” Although HCP people can look and seem normal at times, they are much more likely to get stuck in a conflict or be triggered by the environment around them.  HCPs are preoccupied with blaming others, and they tend toward all or nothing thinking. Their solutions are extreme and unpredictable.

Segment 3: The C.A.R.S. Method.  When dealing with someone who is a High Conflict Personality, one can manage the relationship by using Bill’s CARS method. The CARS method addresses the 4 key areas of difficulty that people have when dealing with high conflict personalities.

C – Connecting. Form a positive connection with these folks (which can be counterintuitive at times).

A – Analyze. Shift away from emotions to problem-solving. “Let’s look at our options here. What do you propose?”

R – Respond calmly to inaccurate information or hostile communications by using a “BIFF” response: brief, informative, friendly and firm.

S – Set Limits. HCPs can’t stop themselves. We must let them know what the consequences of their actions will be. Educate them and let them have a choice. It’s not personal; it’s about policies, or rules, or external circumstances.

Segment 4: www.highconflictinstitute.com.  The more you think about all these steps and practice them, the easier it becomes. To learn more about Bill’s invaluable work and the High Conflict Institute, please visit http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: Co-Creative Intimate Relationships.  Less that 25% of couples report being at peace with each other and in their relationships. To speak about how to improve and deepen intimate relationships we are talking with Aleya Dao (www.aleyadao.com) on this edition of The Doug Noll Show. Aleya is a sound healer, energetic practitioner, and a licensed acupuncturist. She has been an alternative healer for over 20 years and has worked with many couples, helping them to foster healthy and co-creative intimate relationships.

Aleya says about 99% of her clients come to her wanting to work on some aspect of their relationship. They crave deeper levels of intimacy, connection, better communication. She thinks the greatest challenge is that we usually have an assumption that our partner is going to see and recognize our essence and love us unconditionally. Instead, after the honeymoon phase is over we often start projecting our own needs onto our partner.

Segment 2: Practice What You Intend to Master.  If we don’t feel safe, we’re not going to be honest or open or vulnerable with our partner. However, sometimes when we are being honest and open and vulnerable, the partner feels attacked, or gets defensive or shuts down, which unfortunately confirms that it’s not safe to open up, be honest or vulnerable. Additionally, we often ask the other person to help us feel safe, instead of finding a safe space inside ourselves and reflecting that back into our reality.

We do the opposite of that which we intend on mastering until we reach a certain level of consciousness and awareness and begin to practice that which we intend on mastering. We might ask ourselves, do we want to stay in the negative spin, or do we want to shift it?

1)      Think about your needs

2)      Meet that need inside yourself

3)      Watch your tone

When people start practicing this, the resentment goes way down, the safety goes way up, and the communication starts increasing because it’s okay to talk about what the needs are.

Segment 3: The Buddha Bubble.  When you are in a Buddha Bubble, realize that your partner is working on learning a spiritual lesson. Look higher at their essence and know that they might have forgotten themselves. Reflect back to when you fell in love with them. Hold vigil for your partner and allow them to go through whatever they need to go through. They are doing the opposite of what they are intending on mastering. Breathe into your belly. Imagine what it really means to be a Buddha. Hold yourself in a place of deep stillness and be a good listener.

Segment 4: Be Self-Aware, Be Present.  When talking with a partner, if you cannot reflect back from your heart with compassion and caring, the other person can detect if you’re being insincere. You can’t build trust until you come from your heart. The tone is also really reflective. Be self-aware and really present. Start small. Put a timer on the table and for 2 minutes offer to listen to your partner about his or her day, and then reflect back what they’ve said. Our challenge is to maintain a non-reactive presence. To the extent that we can place ourselves in a bubble and be non-reactive and non-critical, and come from a place of compassion, we gain great power within ourselves. We feel empowered and self-confident, which is a wonderful start to a healthy, co-creative relationship. To find out more about Aleya Dao, visit www.aleyadao.com.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

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Segment 4