dougnoll’s posthaven

Ingrid is quick to point out that anger is an important, fundamental emotion. It’s a response to boundary violation and it’s a natural feeling. It’s a defense response, and historically we need it when we feel threatened and need to take action.

Segment 2: Causes of Teen Angst.The staff at LifeWorks often gets contacted by guidance counselors or principals. LifeWorks starts by introducing themselves, acknowledging that the child might not be happy to be there, and then suggests working on the issues together to forge a sense of trust. The LifeWorks counselors believe the increase in teen anger stems from a number of different factors: family stress such as finances, an increase of single-parent families with have limited income and time, and a breakdown of the family unit are some of the causes.

LifeWorks facilitates teen groups. The counselors start by teaching the kids the ways in which they think: Constructive vs. Limited. Then they move on to brain education. If they know how the brain works, they will be more interested and better equipped to make changes in their behavior.

Segment 3: Demystifying the Anger Response. It’s important to look at anger triggers and automatic responses, and teach the kids to develop different responses and choices. The kids are invited to map out the thought process, slow it down, ask themselves what the underlying issue is. Once the kids are able to understand their thought process, it demystifies things and they realize that there are physiological and biological reasons behind what they are experiencing. Once they understand something, they gain the ability to change and control it.

Segment 4: Family Support is Crucial. Incorporating families is important to the healing process. When a parent just drops off a kid to a group and leaves, it gives the impression that “this is the identified patient, that this is the offender, this is the problem.” However, the child is a reflection of the issues that are going on in the home. Parents need to take responsibility and be part of the solution. A lot of time the child is acting out because they want attention from their parents or from their peers. Open communication is also a big piece.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: Perceptions of Reality.

Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Roger Frame, President of Frameworks 4 Learning. Roger is an expert on resolving interpersonal conflict, defusing power struggles and preventing bullying. His book is called Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. He comes from the psychotherapy perspective and thinks the single biggest cause of human conflict is differences of perspective. People view conflict as based on reality, when in fact it’s based on our perceptions of reality. Conflict is not something you can completely avoid (nor should we try to avoid it, as it usually brings people closer together once it is resolved). If we don’t have resistance, we cannot grow as human beings. The whole point of conflict is to alert us to the fact that there are things to which we need to pay attention.

Segment 2: Adopt a Curious Attitude.

In terms of holiday conflict, when relatives get together there are often repeated patterns that come up every year. It’s difficult for people to recognize these patterns, and the person who brings up the issue usually (unconsciously) has a vested interest in keeping it alive. So why would a reasonable, rational intelligent person do this? Adults play out the conflicts of their childhood and the dynamic stays the same. When you encounter an issue with a family member, ask the question, “I’m curious. What makes you want to keep bringing this up?” Having the presence of mind to ask a question like this takes practice and self-control. The most difficult thing is to stay present with yourself so that when someone pushes your buttons you can respond with compassion and clarity, even when you are angry. Instead of attacking back and reacting with anger, adopt a curious attitude.

Segment 3: Ignore the Words and Focus on the Emotion.

Listening is a powerful skill that needs to be taught. People don’t know how to listen or ask effective questions. Roger thinks we should ignore the words and focus on emotions. Repeat back the emotional experience of the person you’re speaking with at that moment. In doing that, you touch something deep and the brain starts to calm. In the brain, the emotional content goes to one neuropathway and the cognitive content goes to another neuropathway. When you recognize the emotion in a situation – and mirror it back – the emotional centers of the brain deescalate.

Segment 4: In Roger’s book he references many fly fishing analogies for conflict resolution. For example, kids bait their parents and know exactly what lure their parents will bite. As water warms up in a river, fish bite on different insects. Also, there are certain times of day when mom (or dad) is tired and kids know they can ask for and get what they want. Timing is everything. If you draw your fly rod back and start the forward movement too quickly, the fly will snap off. It’s the same with communication: if you interrupt someone too quickly, the conversation will snap off. Lastly, when casting in fly fishing, you must move backward before you go forward. When you are involved in conflict resolution, if you can pause and go backward a bit, it opens up the space to move forward. It creates a safe space for someone to be heard.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: How to Quiet the Negative Voices.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Tom Gagliano. Tom is a successful entrepreneur, life coach, author and public speaker. His website is http://www.thomasgagliano.com/ and his latest book is called The Problem Was Me. Tom grew up in a very volatile, unsafe environment due to an abusive alcoholic father, and although he has been very successful in business he found that he unknowingly continued to sabotage his personal relationships.

Segment 2: Emotional Trauma is the Norm.

Very few people actually achieve true happiness. Why not? Tom thinks that when you feel whole inside, when you feel like you are “enough,” there is no void you need to fill with other people’s accolades. It’s all about inner fulfillment. Emotional trauma in childhood is the norm, not the exception. The most important thing a family can do for their children is to create a safe environment. If a child feels safe at home, he will grow up feeling safe in the world. If a child grows up with explosions - physical or emotional – in the home, and if the version of intimacy they receive is one that is fearful or painful, they will carry that version of intimacy into their adult life and sabotage their relationships.

As parents we naturally want to guide our children. However, occasionally we need to relinquish the need to be right, and instead choose closeness. Our children really listen to us when we really listen to them. Our kids just want to be heard.

There are subtle signs of self-destructive or addictive behavior: when people have abnormal anger, i.e. when the degree of anger doesn’t fit the situation, they need to address the deeper issues. It’s difficult for people to talk about their feelings; they either shut down or they react with anger. To be empathic you need to observe and understand other people’s feelings, but in order to do that you need to first understand your OWN feelings.

Segment 3: Bullying and What to Do About It.

If you are married to someone with deep emotional trauma, there are a few things to do to help. When someone is damaged they are very sensitive. Be compassionate. Say things with love. Use healthy boundaries and don’t accept unacceptable behavior. Be gentle. Let them talk. Listen. Eventually you will get under their fears and under their pain and trust will build.

Tom believes that the ubiquitous computer has made a difference in our kids. They have a destructive “entitlement” view of the world. Additionally, working mothers and fathers may feel guilty so they over-indulge their kids. If the child is not getting (emotionally) what they need from their parents, the child ends up making some victim “pay” for it. Bullies are made, not born. So what can a parent do if they are told their kid is a bully? Talk to the principal and the teacher. There needs to be a coalition. Talk to the child. The kid doesn’t feel safe enough at home to talk about what’s going on at school. If they’re not getting their emotional needs met at home, they’re either going to act OUT in anger as a bully or they’re going to act IN their anger and be a target and a victim for bullies. It’s one or the other.

Segment 4: Choose Closeness Instead.

If you have a kid who is a bully, Tom recommends this approach: listen, share, and reveal yourself. Become vulnerable. Give up the right to be right and choose closeness instead. Let compassion guide what you say and do. Slow down and become more non-reactive. If you have a kid who is the target of bullies, Tom recommends this approach: talk to people you can trust and focus on what’s best for your child instead of reacting with anger. Listen to your child. Protect her. Show her that she is valuable and worth protecting. This takes a lot of presence, self-awareness and patience.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: Secrets of the Peacemaking Parent

Lorraine Esposito, our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show, is no stranger to peacemaking. She is a life and fitness coach and the nationally recognized author of The Peacemaker Parent, Solving Problems for Today, Teaching Independence for a Lifetime. Lorraine has been featured in broadcast, radio, print, and online media and is a public speaker regarding personal leadership to community and school-based audiences. Her website is www.peacemakerparent.com.

Lorraine’s personal journey as a peacemaking parent began at home with her young sons, then 6 and 8. In the process of exploring how to achieve a peaceful home, she discovered a method that instilled responsibility and accountability within her children and fostered peacemaking organically. She had tried different methods, including various books and counseling programs, but nothing worked for their family. The feeling of power, control and responsibility was lacking.

Lorraine says the secret to a peaceful home is belief and trust. Belief that the inner voice you have as a parent is actually truth. Trust in your children and that they are all that they need to be. When we are able to believe, trust and let go, our kids begin to show their greatness and choose wisely.

Segment 2: The Need for Perfection

Parents’ self-esteem is too often wrapped around their own children. The need for perfection is layered on top of peer pressure and the hype about getting a good education and being successful, etc. The smallest mistake triggers fear in parents, overwhelms them, and blocks good judgment. The first step to overcoming these issues is for the parent to look at their own environment and at themselves as individuals. Then the parent can observe what’s happening (without judgment or criticism) and see what’s working and not working. The underlying issues become apparent when we detach ourselves and observe with non-reactivity and non-judgment.

Segment 3: The Sacred Space

Lorraine started with a morning peacemaking program in her own home. She held a meeting with her children and empowered them to make decisions. The meeting was a safe, sacred space. When they all agreed on the rules they moved forward, but if they didn’t agree they stayed put until they did. As a family they established 7 things to do in the morning. The boys monitored themselves with parameters and framework and became confident all on their own without mom’s nagging. The consequences to not getting tasks done were natural. They took personal responsibility and dealt with the consequences.

*Sacred space with equality

*Consensus decision making

*Building in accountability

*Natural consequences

Segment 4: Personal Responsibility and Ownership

Lorraine finds when parents try her peacemaking approach that decisions that seemed difficult become easier to make. They are able to let go of things that aren’t serving them. Parents become happier, there’s not as much fighting, there’s more acceptance and forgiveness. Additionally, taking personal responsibility and ownership can help kids with scholastic achievement by fostering personal motivation. Good leaders can’t command or control anybody; good leaders inspire people, which leads to self-motivation.

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