dougnoll’s posthaven

Ingrid is quick to point out that anger is an important, fundamental emotion. It’s a response to boundary violation and it’s a natural feeling. It’s a defense response, and historically we need it when we feel threatened and need to take action.

Segment 2: Causes of Teen Angst.The staff at LifeWorks often gets contacted by guidance counselors or principals. LifeWorks starts by introducing themselves, acknowledging that the child might not be happy to be there, and then suggests working on the issues together to forge a sense of trust. The LifeWorks counselors believe the increase in teen anger stems from a number of different factors: family stress such as finances, an increase of single-parent families with have limited income and time, and a breakdown of the family unit are some of the causes.

LifeWorks facilitates teen groups. The counselors start by teaching the kids the ways in which they think: Constructive vs. Limited. Then they move on to brain education. If they know how the brain works, they will be more interested and better equipped to make changes in their behavior.

Segment 3: Demystifying the Anger Response. It’s important to look at anger triggers and automatic responses, and teach the kids to develop different responses and choices. The kids are invited to map out the thought process, slow it down, ask themselves what the underlying issue is. Once the kids are able to understand their thought process, it demystifies things and they realize that there are physiological and biological reasons behind what they are experiencing. Once they understand something, they gain the ability to change and control it.

Segment 4: Family Support is Crucial. Incorporating families is important to the healing process. When a parent just drops off a kid to a group and leaves, it gives the impression that “this is the identified patient, that this is the offender, this is the problem.” However, the child is a reflection of the issues that are going on in the home. Parents need to take responsibility and be part of the solution. A lot of time the child is acting out because they want attention from their parents or from their peers. Open communication is also a big piece.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: How to Quiet the Negative Voices.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Tom Gagliano. Tom is a successful entrepreneur, life coach, author and public speaker. His website is http://www.thomasgagliano.com/ and his latest book is called The Problem Was Me. Tom grew up in a very volatile, unsafe environment due to an abusive alcoholic father, and although he has been very successful in business he found that he unknowingly continued to sabotage his personal relationships.

Segment 2: Emotional Trauma is the Norm.

Very few people actually achieve true happiness. Why not? Tom thinks that when you feel whole inside, when you feel like you are “enough,” there is no void you need to fill with other people’s accolades. It’s all about inner fulfillment. Emotional trauma in childhood is the norm, not the exception. The most important thing a family can do for their children is to create a safe environment. If a child feels safe at home, he will grow up feeling safe in the world. If a child grows up with explosions - physical or emotional – in the home, and if the version of intimacy they receive is one that is fearful or painful, they will carry that version of intimacy into their adult life and sabotage their relationships.

As parents we naturally want to guide our children. However, occasionally we need to relinquish the need to be right, and instead choose closeness. Our children really listen to us when we really listen to them. Our kids just want to be heard.

There are subtle signs of self-destructive or addictive behavior: when people have abnormal anger, i.e. when the degree of anger doesn’t fit the situation, they need to address the deeper issues. It’s difficult for people to talk about their feelings; they either shut down or they react with anger. To be empathic you need to observe and understand other people’s feelings, but in order to do that you need to first understand your OWN feelings.

Segment 3: Bullying and What to Do About It.

If you are married to someone with deep emotional trauma, there are a few things to do to help. When someone is damaged they are very sensitive. Be compassionate. Say things with love. Use healthy boundaries and don’t accept unacceptable behavior. Be gentle. Let them talk. Listen. Eventually you will get under their fears and under their pain and trust will build.

Tom believes that the ubiquitous computer has made a difference in our kids. They have a destructive “entitlement” view of the world. Additionally, working mothers and fathers may feel guilty so they over-indulge their kids. If the child is not getting (emotionally) what they need from their parents, the child ends up making some victim “pay” for it. Bullies are made, not born. So what can a parent do if they are told their kid is a bully? Talk to the principal and the teacher. There needs to be a coalition. Talk to the child. The kid doesn’t feel safe enough at home to talk about what’s going on at school. If they’re not getting their emotional needs met at home, they’re either going to act OUT in anger as a bully or they’re going to act IN their anger and be a target and a victim for bullies. It’s one or the other.

Segment 4: Choose Closeness Instead.

If you have a kid who is a bully, Tom recommends this approach: listen, share, and reveal yourself. Become vulnerable. Give up the right to be right and choose closeness instead. Let compassion guide what you say and do. Slow down and become more non-reactive. If you have a kid who is the target of bullies, Tom recommends this approach: talk to people you can trust and focus on what’s best for your child instead of reacting with anger. Listen to your child. Protect her. Show her that she is valuable and worth protecting. This takes a lot of presence, self-awareness and patience.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4