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Peacemaking addresses these problems and gets to the heart of the conflict without fear of escalation. When people agree to follow some simple ground rules, with or without an intermediary, they move into an empowering and special relationship. This relationship requires a commitment to be constructive, to actively listen, and to be empathically accurate.

Conflict escalates when this temporary special relationship is not formed. How many times have you heard voices become angry or louder as an argument ensued? The conflict is escalating because neither person believes that he or she is being heard. The easiest - but least effective – way to be heard is to raise one’s voice. However, then the other person doesn’t feel heard and raises his voice in response, and so on. Sometimes out of sheer frustration violence erupts. Peacemaking stops this escalation by committing each person, for a few moments, to be in a positive, rather than a negative, relationship with another.

  Peacemaking also works because it changes personal orientations from a competitive and hostile attitude to a cooperative and constructive attitude. The attitude shift does not change immediately. However, as people work through the peacemaking process, they begin to understand each other's perspectives and, in that context, re-evaluate their own positions. Often times, this re-evaluation and recognition provides the basis for transforming the conflict.

On an emotional level, peacemaking works because it allows for mutual recognition of injustices or wrongs. In many conflicts, each person feels violated by the other. Peacemaking allows both parties to recognize not only that they have been victimized, but that the other person also may have a sense of victimization. Similarly, peacemaking allows parties to acknowledge there has been a wrong or a violation. The Japanese take this to an extreme. Even when one party is clearly wrong and the other is clearly right, the party in the right will attempt to find some reason to offer apology so as to make the reconciliation process mutual.

On a practical level, peacemaking allows for a discussion of how to make things right. While people are in that special temporary relationship, they can identify how the wrongs, whether mutual or not, caused harm, and what they think is necessary to remedy the harm. Sometimes making things right is as simple as an apology. Other times, making things right is substantially more complex. However, if the parties have committed to the peacemaking process, they have agreed the only acceptable solution will be one that satisfies everybody's interests. 

Peacemaking permits movement into the future. Having recognized wrongs and discussed how to make things right, the parties find that the trust-building process begins with affirmations of future conduct. Many times the parties in conflict agree to support each other in ways that did not previously exist. The conflict thus becomes an event for strengthening relationships and providing for cooperative benefits that did not previously exist. Sometimes discussing future intentions uncovers a need for outside support, training, or other assistance. Without this discussion, these needs would go unmet, providing the seeds for conflict on another day.

When people can come together in hostility and anger, acknowledge injustices, whether mutual or not, decide how to make things right, and discuss their future needs and intentions, they engage in a process of moral growth. They learn to confront their fear, anxiety, and frustration. They learn to listen and to be empathic. They learn to recognize and acknowledge the other's perspective. They become empowered with their own ability to make decisions constructively and cooperatively. They begin to look to the future and rebuild trust. 

Douglas E. Noll, Lawyer to Peacemaker

Creator of Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro

California Lawyer Magazine, California Attorney of the Year 2012

One useful way to look at conflict is in terms of power, rights, and interests. Framing the conflict as a power struggle, an assertion of rights, or a satisfaction of interests can dramatically affect the process and the outcome. If you are analyzing a conflict, identifying how the parties see the conflict in terms of power, rights, and interests can lead to transformative solutions not otherwise apparent.

            Power is the ability to have one's way against the wishes of another. A very simple example of power is the power of voting. Whether the votes are cast for political office or organizational positions, the voters have the power to choose. People do not like to be coerced by power. Consequently, resolving conflicts by imposition of will seldom leads to peace. However, there are many situations when resolving a conflict by power is appropriate. For example, I do not want a negotiation in the hospital emergency room when I'm suffering from a cardiac arrest. Similarly, in other emergency situations a clear command structure more likely assures safety and security.

            Rights enforcement is the ability to have a third party decide that one may act against the wishes of another. The threat of rights enforcement can be similar to power and used for negotiation purposes.  Rights enforcement is commonly conducted through the judicial system, but other systems, such as arbitration or grievance procedures may also be utilized. Rights enforcement usually involves a process of naming, blaming and claiming.  When a person's rights have been violated, the violator is usually identifiable. This is naming. Blaming occurs when a causal link is established between the violator and the injury. Claiming follows blaming, usually constituting a demand for redress. Rights enforcement is appropriate when one party of a conflict has systematically oppressed another party. Rights enforcement is also appropriate when one party refuses to acknowledge an injustice or injury. However, rights enforcement leads to more conflict when it is the conflict resolution method of choice. People conditioned to name, blame and claim are less likely to seek peaceful and cooperative resolution of conflict.

            Interests are the things that people wish to have satisfied. Interests are the foundations for positions in negotiations. For example, if in an automobile injury case the plaintiff demands $50,000.00, the plaintiff has stated a position. The interests underlying that position may include compensation for pain and suffering, lost wages, medical expenses, and general aggravation from dealing with the accident. In addition, there may be non-monetary injustices that must be acknowledged and reconciled. Identifying and acknowledging interests often leads to more creative solutions. Furthermore, when conflicts are defined in terms of interests rather than power or rights, people tend to cooperate rather than compete. Satisfying an interest is emotionally easier to accept than compelling action through power or seeking third-party assistance, such as litigation or arbitration.

            If you are analyzing a conflict as a manager, ask yourself if any of the parties are attempting to assert power over the others. Perhaps two people are in a power struggle against one another, seeking to determine who will be dominant in the relationship. Instead of defining the conflict in terms of power, ask the parties to identify the injustices each has suffered and the interests each wishes satisfied. Find out if the parties can work cooperatively to satisfy all of the interests between them. By reframing the conflict as interest-based rather than power-based, you can move the parties from competitive hostility to cooperative teamwork.

            Power, rights, and interests are ways of a looking at and resolving conflict. Whenever possible, seek interest-based resolutions, then rights enforcement, and finally, if all else fails, use a power-based process. 

Douglas E. Noll, Lawyer to Peacemaker

Creator of Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro

California Lawyer Magazine, California Attorney of the Year 2012

Ingrid is quick to point out that anger is an important, fundamental emotion. It’s a response to boundary violation and it’s a natural feeling. It’s a defense response, and historically we need it when we feel threatened and need to take action.

Segment 2: Causes of Teen Angst.The staff at LifeWorks often gets contacted by guidance counselors or principals. LifeWorks starts by introducing themselves, acknowledging that the child might not be happy to be there, and then suggests working on the issues together to forge a sense of trust. The LifeWorks counselors believe the increase in teen anger stems from a number of different factors: family stress such as finances, an increase of single-parent families with have limited income and time, and a breakdown of the family unit are some of the causes.

LifeWorks facilitates teen groups. The counselors start by teaching the kids the ways in which they think: Constructive vs. Limited. Then they move on to brain education. If they know how the brain works, they will be more interested and better equipped to make changes in their behavior.

Segment 3: Demystifying the Anger Response. It’s important to look at anger triggers and automatic responses, and teach the kids to develop different responses and choices. The kids are invited to map out the thought process, slow it down, ask themselves what the underlying issue is. Once the kids are able to understand their thought process, it demystifies things and they realize that there are physiological and biological reasons behind what they are experiencing. Once they understand something, they gain the ability to change and control it.

Segment 4: Family Support is Crucial. Incorporating families is important to the healing process. When a parent just drops off a kid to a group and leaves, it gives the impression that “this is the identified patient, that this is the offender, this is the problem.” However, the child is a reflection of the issues that are going on in the home. Parents need to take responsibility and be part of the solution. A lot of time the child is acting out because they want attention from their parents or from their peers. Open communication is also a big piece.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: How to Quiet the Negative Voices.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Tom Gagliano. Tom is a successful entrepreneur, life coach, author and public speaker. His website is http://www.thomasgagliano.com/ and his latest book is called The Problem Was Me. Tom grew up in a very volatile, unsafe environment due to an abusive alcoholic father, and although he has been very successful in business he found that he unknowingly continued to sabotage his personal relationships.

Segment 2: Emotional Trauma is the Norm.

Very few people actually achieve true happiness. Why not? Tom thinks that when you feel whole inside, when you feel like you are “enough,” there is no void you need to fill with other people’s accolades. It’s all about inner fulfillment. Emotional trauma in childhood is the norm, not the exception. The most important thing a family can do for their children is to create a safe environment. If a child feels safe at home, he will grow up feeling safe in the world. If a child grows up with explosions - physical or emotional – in the home, and if the version of intimacy they receive is one that is fearful or painful, they will carry that version of intimacy into their adult life and sabotage their relationships.

As parents we naturally want to guide our children. However, occasionally we need to relinquish the need to be right, and instead choose closeness. Our children really listen to us when we really listen to them. Our kids just want to be heard.

There are subtle signs of self-destructive or addictive behavior: when people have abnormal anger, i.e. when the degree of anger doesn’t fit the situation, they need to address the deeper issues. It’s difficult for people to talk about their feelings; they either shut down or they react with anger. To be empathic you need to observe and understand other people’s feelings, but in order to do that you need to first understand your OWN feelings.

Segment 3: Bullying and What to Do About It.

If you are married to someone with deep emotional trauma, there are a few things to do to help. When someone is damaged they are very sensitive. Be compassionate. Say things with love. Use healthy boundaries and don’t accept unacceptable behavior. Be gentle. Let them talk. Listen. Eventually you will get under their fears and under their pain and trust will build.

Tom believes that the ubiquitous computer has made a difference in our kids. They have a destructive “entitlement” view of the world. Additionally, working mothers and fathers may feel guilty so they over-indulge their kids. If the child is not getting (emotionally) what they need from their parents, the child ends up making some victim “pay” for it. Bullies are made, not born. So what can a parent do if they are told their kid is a bully? Talk to the principal and the teacher. There needs to be a coalition. Talk to the child. The kid doesn’t feel safe enough at home to talk about what’s going on at school. If they’re not getting their emotional needs met at home, they’re either going to act OUT in anger as a bully or they’re going to act IN their anger and be a target and a victim for bullies. It’s one or the other.

Segment 4: Choose Closeness Instead.

If you have a kid who is a bully, Tom recommends this approach: listen, share, and reveal yourself. Become vulnerable. Give up the right to be right and choose closeness instead. Let compassion guide what you say and do. Slow down and become more non-reactive. If you have a kid who is the target of bullies, Tom recommends this approach: talk to people you can trust and focus on what’s best for your child instead of reacting with anger. Listen to your child. Protect her. Show her that she is valuable and worth protecting. This takes a lot of presence, self-awareness and patience.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: Education for a Peace-Full Culture.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show our guest is Jacqueline Haessly, founder of Peacemaking Associates and author of Peacemaking:  Family Activities for Justice and Peace, Vols. 1 and 2. Within her peacemaking practice Jacqueline educations and empowers people of all ages to value, image, and act to preserve a culture of peace in all arenas of human endeavor. She has a Ph.D. in Interdisciplinary Studies from The Union Institute and University and offers presentations and workshops on Peacemaking for Families; Imaging Peace; Transformational Leadership; Weaving a Culture of Peace; Franciscan Values and the Art of Peacemaking. 

Jacqueline’s peacemaking journey began in 1971, at the height of the Vietnam War,  when she was involved with an anti-war peace education committee through the Quaker Friends. She quickly realized she not only wanted to be anti-war, but also wanted to promote a peaceful culture.

Segment 2: Peace, Defined.

Jacqueline believes that peace begins with the fundamental relationships between people.  She educates people on how to foster better relationships, especially with children. She says the secret is to start by creating an affirming and cooperative and respectful environment.

Jacqueline defines peace as a presence: a peaceful relationship with ourselves, with each other, across nations and regions, with all of creation and a higher power.

Segment 3: Competition.

So how do we help kids navigate a world where competition is everything? Jacqueline is consistently impressed with the number of school kids making a real effort to reduce violence. She finds children are often the ones taking a leadership role in creating safe havens for their classmates and communities.

Doug points out that we need to balance the desire to live with the value of peace against the need to protect ourselves from exploitation. In tai chi they teach you: the softer you are, the stronger you are, the more vulnerable you are, the more powerful you are.

Segment 4: The Critical Thinking Link.

Within the last few decades we have stopped investing in critical thinking education in our schools, so we have an entire generation who use ideology in place of critical thinking. Kids need to be taught how to have discernment and weigh out different options before making decisions.

To listen to the complete interview:

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