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Segment 1: Perceptions of Reality.

Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Roger Frame, President of Frameworks 4 Learning. Roger is an expert on resolving interpersonal conflict, defusing power struggles and preventing bullying. His book is called Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. He comes from the psychotherapy perspective and thinks the single biggest cause of human conflict is differences of perspective. People view conflict as based on reality, when in fact it’s based on our perceptions of reality. Conflict is not something you can completely avoid (nor should we try to avoid it, as it usually brings people closer together once it is resolved). If we don’t have resistance, we cannot grow as human beings. The whole point of conflict is to alert us to the fact that there are things to which we need to pay attention.

Segment 2: Adopt a Curious Attitude.

In terms of holiday conflict, when relatives get together there are often repeated patterns that come up every year. It’s difficult for people to recognize these patterns, and the person who brings up the issue usually (unconsciously) has a vested interest in keeping it alive. So why would a reasonable, rational intelligent person do this? Adults play out the conflicts of their childhood and the dynamic stays the same. When you encounter an issue with a family member, ask the question, “I’m curious. What makes you want to keep bringing this up?” Having the presence of mind to ask a question like this takes practice and self-control. The most difficult thing is to stay present with yourself so that when someone pushes your buttons you can respond with compassion and clarity, even when you are angry. Instead of attacking back and reacting with anger, adopt a curious attitude.

Segment 3: Ignore the Words and Focus on the Emotion.

Listening is a powerful skill that needs to be taught. People don’t know how to listen or ask effective questions. Roger thinks we should ignore the words and focus on emotions. Repeat back the emotional experience of the person you’re speaking with at that moment. In doing that, you touch something deep and the brain starts to calm. In the brain, the emotional content goes to one neuropathway and the cognitive content goes to another neuropathway. When you recognize the emotion in a situation – and mirror it back – the emotional centers of the brain deescalate.

Segment 4: In Roger’s book he references many fly fishing analogies for conflict resolution. For example, kids bait their parents and know exactly what lure their parents will bite. As water warms up in a river, fish bite on different insects. Also, there are certain times of day when mom (or dad) is tired and kids know they can ask for and get what they want. Timing is everything. If you draw your fly rod back and start the forward movement too quickly, the fly will snap off. It’s the same with communication: if you interrupt someone too quickly, the conversation will snap off. Lastly, when casting in fly fishing, you must move backward before you go forward. When you are involved in conflict resolution, if you can pause and go backward a bit, it opens up the space to move forward. It creates a safe space for someone to be heard.

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Segment 1: Education for a Peace-Full Culture.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show our guest is Jacqueline Haessly, founder of Peacemaking Associates and author of Peacemaking: Family Activities for Justice and Peace, Vols. 1 and 2. Within her peacemaking practice Jacqueline educations and empowers people of all ages to value, image, and act to preserve a culture of peace in all arenas of human endeavor. She has a Ph.D. in Interdisciplinary Studies from The Union Institute and University and offers presentations and workshops on Peacemaking for Families; Imaging Peace; Transformational Leadership; Weaving a Culture of Peace; Franciscan Values and the Art of Peacemaking.

Jacqueline’s peacemaking journey began in 1971, at the height of the Vietnam War, when she was involved with an anti-war peace education committee through the Quaker Friends. She quickly realized she not only wanted to be anti-war, but also wanted to promote a peaceful culture.

Segment 2: Peace, Defined.

Jacqueline believes that peace begins with the fundamental relationships between people. She educates people on how to foster better relationships, especially with children. She says the secret is to start by creating an affirming and cooperative and respectful environment.

Jacqueline defines peace as a presence: a peaceful relationship with ourselves, with each other, across nations and regions, with all of creation and a higher power.

Segment 3: Competition.

So how do we help kids navigate a world where competition is everything? Jacqueline is consistently impressed with the number of school kids making a real effort to reduce violence. She finds children are often the ones taking a leadership role in creating safe havens for their classmates and communities.

Doug points out that we need to balance the desire to live with the value of peace against the need to protect ourselves from exploitation. In tai chi they teach you: the softer you are, the stronger you are, the more vulnerable you are, the more powerful you are.

Segment 4: The Critical Thinking Link.

Within the last few decades we have stopped investing in critical thinking education in our schools, so we have an entire generation who use ideology in place of critical thinking. Kids need to be taught how to have discernment and weigh out different options before making decisions.

To listen to the complete interview: