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Segment 1: High Conflict Personalities.  On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Bill Eddy: lawyer, therapist, mediator and President of High Conflict Institute (http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/). Bill developed the “High Conflict Personality” theory and provides training for individuals and businesses on dispute resolution involving people with high conflict personalities. Bill began his career as a social worker, but soon found he enjoyed conflict resolution and mediation. Eventually he went to law school and practiced Family Law, and it became clear to him that the driving force of high conflict cases was mental health issues, especially those that weren’t obvious on the surface. From there he studied and wrote books on the topic of High Conflict Personalities (HCP).

People with HCP often don’t reflect on their own behavior. They feel helpless, and don’t feel they are causing the problem. Bill also found that they have four traits in common: “all or nothing” thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behavior, and a preoccupation with blaming others.

Segment 2: Problem Solving Brain vs. Defensive Brain.  Why is it that when we get into conflict, it seems to bring out our worst behavior? Bill believes that it has to do with the brain. He thinks of it in terms of the problem-solving side of the brain versus the defensive side of the brain. In many situations the left side is the problem solving side, but in a crisis it switches over to defensiveness. When we’re defensive we shut off the neurological parts like the higher cortex. We don’t think well and react in all-of-nothing ways. The High Conflict Personality person gets stuck and can’t deescalate themselves or the situation. There is a lack of self-awareness.

Segment 3: An Educational Approach.   Bill believes that in dispute resolution it’s easy to spend too much time talking about the past. Instead, we should talk about proposals and how to move forward. We need more structure, more focus on the future. Mediators are here to help and guide, but they can’t make decisions, and they are not responsible for the outcome. High Conflict Personalities don’t think about the future. They stay stuck in the past. Mediators need to educate the High Conflict Personality about the consequences of certain decisions and the choices that they have. It’s an educational approach, without anger or hostility.

Segment 4: Start with Connecting.  So what do we do when we are dealing with a High Conflict Personality? Bill suggests using the CARS method: connect, analyze options, respond, and setting limits. If we respond with interest, respect and empathy, and if we stay calm, it seems to deescalate the situation about 90% of the time. Start by connecting. Ask about their weekend, for instance. Then analyze the options regarding the relationship. This makes us feel more powerful. We have choices. Finally, we set limits clearly and firmly.

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4

Segment 1: Anger is a Normal Human Emotion.

Our guest on this episode of The Doug Noll Show is Nathanial Smith. Nathanial is a professional counselor specializing in anger, depression, anxiety and domestic violence. His is the author of Taming Your Temper, a Workbook for Individuals, Couples and Groups. His website is http://www.nathanielsmithcounselor.com/.

Nathanial’s father was in the mental health profession for many years and helped thousands of people, which is ultimately what drew Nathanial to this career. He’d like his legacy to be the same as his father’s: help people get in touch with their emotions and become empowered and courageous enough to address feelings of anger, anxiety and depression. Anger is a normal human emotion, but when it’s applied as a form of aggression and people’s rights are violated, it becomes a problem.

So how do you teach people to manage their anger? In his book Taming Your Temper, Nathanial gives exercises to practice control. There are pragmatic ways to communicate and solve conflicts, but it needs to start at a young age. Parents need to sit down with their children and talk about communication and feelings.

Segment 2: Emotional Intelligence.

In Nathanial’s experience, men don’t learn to express feelings. It’s important to teach our kids emotional intelligence at an early age so they can become empathic adults. Nathanial is a cognitive coach: he helps people become aware and articulate what they’re feeling and make a choice about how they want to respond in that moment. Once people realize they do have a choice, they become empowered.

Segment 3: The Physical Response to Anger.

Nathanial wanted to write a book to help people realize that their anger is manageable. He began putting together a list of tools to help clients during their counseling sessions, and realized after a while that he had enough information to create a workbook. The book is full of exercises and examples that people can use to become emotionally aware. He wanted to give people a way to get help in the privacy of their own home.

There is a physical response to anger: your heart rate gets faster, your adrenalin surges, your muscles tense up, your prefrontal cortex shuts down and you look for some sort of a release. With people who are resistant to becoming vulnerable and exploring feelings, Nathanial starts with teaching them the physical response. Once they understand that, he moves into the emotional part. Somatic awareness is one of the first steps of developing emotional intelligence.

Segment 4: Fear Shuts Us Down.

Empathy is defined as recognizing the emotions of others. To do this, we need to learn how to be in touch with our own emotions. Fear shuts us down and can devastate our lives. Nathanial finds that once people push through the fear of having to open up and be vulnerable, they bloom and have a fantastic transformation.  

To listen to the entire interview:

Segment 1

Segment 2

Segment 3

Segment 4