Segment 1: High Conflict Personalities. On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Bill Eddy: lawyer, therapist, mediator and President of High Conflict Institute (http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/). Bill developed the “High Conflict Personality” theory and provides training for individuals and businesses on dispute resolution involving people with high conflict personalities. Bill began his career as a social worker, but soon found he enjoyed conflict resolution and mediation. Eventually he went to law school and practiced Family Law, and it became clear to him that the driving force of high conflict cases was mental health issues, especially those that weren’t obvious on the surface. From there he studied and wrote books on the topic of High Conflict Personalities (HCP).
People with HCP often don’t reflect on their own behavior. They feel helpless, and don’t feel they are causing the problem. Bill also found that they have four traits in common: “all or nothing” thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behavior, and a preoccupation with blaming others.
Segment 2: Problem Solving Brain vs. Defensive Brain. Why is it that when we get into conflict, it seems to bring out our worst behavior? Bill believes that it has to do with the brain. He thinks of it in terms of the problem-solving side of the brain versus the defensive side of the brain. In many situations the left side is the problem solving side, but in a crisis it switches over to defensiveness. When we’re defensive we shut off the neurological parts like the higher cortex. We don’t think well and react in all-of-nothing ways. The High Conflict Personality person gets stuck and can’t deescalate themselves or the situation. There is a lack of self-awareness.
Segment 3: An Educational Approach. Bill believes that in dispute resolution it’s easy to spend too much time talking about the past. Instead, we should talk about proposals and how to move forward. We need more structure, more focus on the future. Mediators are here to help and guide, but they can’t make decisions, and they are not responsible for the outcome. High Conflict Personalities don’t think about the future. They stay stuck in the past. Mediators need to educate the High Conflict Personality about the consequences of certain decisions and the choices that they have. It’s an educational approach, without anger or hostility.
Segment 4: Start with Connecting. So what do we do when we are dealing with a High Conflict Personality? Bill suggests using the CARS method: connect, analyze options, respond, and setting limits. If we respond with interest, respect and empathy, and if we stay calm, it seems to deescalate the situation about 90% of the time. Start by connecting. Ask about their weekend, for instance. Then analyze the options regarding the relationship. This makes us feel more powerful. We have choices. Finally, we set limits clearly and firmly.
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